I only THOUGHT today would be better....

I only thought today would be better.  Snow day today, no work, no school.  I thought it would just be a nice, relaxing day with my daughter.   My dream was short-lived as my phone starting ringing off the hook.  My husband made the headlines once again in a local newspaper.  He pled "not guilty" at his arraignment on Wednesday.   Newspaper quoted him / his attorney as requesting a jury trial.   They went on to print part of my statement in the story.  The statement that was attached to the arrest warrant...  the statement that was made public.  

The article does not portray me in a negative light, but to have my life out there in print is absolutely devastating.   It's embarrassing, humiliating, and daunting.   All part of it I suppose, but gives me little peace at this point.   The phone calls, emails, txt messages have been coming in fast and furious.  Some from friends concerned about me and how I'm taking this public notice of what happened...  some from nosey nellies ..  and some from "mutual friends" of mine and my husband's, probably probing for information they can pass on to him. 

I walked into a local store earlier this morning to get my daily coffee, in my mind telling myself to hold my head high.  People stared.  There were whispers and a few pointers.   I wanted to scream "what have I done wrong???"   I was rescued by a friend who came up and gave me a big hug.   I was fighting back tears that stung behind my eyes. 

I made a phonecall to my friend who runs an advocacy agency for DV called Womancare.   We talked for a long time.  He gives me strength, hope, and reassurance.   Art has been, and continues to be, my rock and one of my main supporters.   That man should be nominated for Sainthood!   Then the DA's office called, one of the Victim's Advocates.   She asked me if I'd seen the paper.  I told her no but that everyone is talking about it.   She informed me that my husband's attorney has requested a Bail hearing.   I asked what for?  She advised that he's requesting to have his bail conditions changed.   He wants to be able to consume alcohol (currently he's restricted from consumption or possession).  He wants his firearms back (currently he's cannot possess, carry, or have access to any firearms).  Lastly, he wants the court to order me and our daughter out of the house so he can return to "his" residence (currently he's prohibited from contact with me or contact with the residence).   The tears that I had been fighting back all morning flowed freely down my face.  My body tensed and I started to panic.   I whispered to her, "why does he want his firearms back?"  She advised that he's claiming he's looking for another law enforcement job and needs his weapon.  For a second I couldn't breath, couldn't swallow, couldn't move.  I was frozen in fear.   Could they possibly give him back his arsenal of weapons???   She rambled on to say that I needed to be in court for this bail hearing, that I needed to contact my attorney and let her know, and she ended with a quick "don't worry".   I felt like screaming DON'T WORRY???!!!  ARE YOU F*CKING CRAZY???   We've just now gone beyond worry, surpassed fear..   I'm now in terror mode.  

It took me a while to calm down.   I telephoned my attorney as instructed.  Once again, I had to speak to her assistant.  She diligently scribbled down my message.   Numbness has set in.   Will I have to testify at the bail hearing?   How do I face him?  What am I going to do if he gets his weapons back?  What am I going to do if I'm court ordered to leave the home? So many questions...   I wish I had the answers.