Monday night and I'm feeling shaky about tomorrow. It's a big day for me. First time since he was arrested that I'll be seeing him. We have our case management conference in the morning. I have been so incredibly torn since this all began. Part of me just wants it to be over, to not have to deal with him and his attorney anymore... to run away and make a fresh start, free from any belongings we shared together, bought together, or found together. But then the other half of me is stubborn, digging in my heels, and not going to give him one single thing without a fight. I'm not sure which half is right or better. I have friends who say "Get rid of him, you can always buy new stuff." Others say, "Don't give in. Fight for every item you possibly can and for every dollar you can possibly squeeze out of him." The first choice is easy but it feels like he wins, he gets the house, all the appliances, all the furniture. I don't like to lose and why should I feel like the loser? He beat me, he cheated on me, he has NO right to win.
The other road, however, is a long one. It requires so much strength, I'm not sure I have it in me. To dig my heels in and stand my ground when I'm scared to death to even look him in the eye... I'm not sure I have the stamina. And for what? A couch that is MAYBE worth $200 bucks now? A dining room table? A washer and dryer that's almost 10 years old? I wish I knew which way to go, which fork to take.
Thus far, I've been taking the more difficult road. But I need to know if it's worth it. It's costing me more money, more time, and more stress... but in the end, will I feel more successful? If I don't fight for what I deserve, years down the road will I be able to look at myself in the mirror and still hold my head high?
It's mindboggling and exhausting to think about. If anyone has any advice, thoughts, or suggestions, I certainly would like to hear them.
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